On New Beginnings, because nothing is over yet

Life drama has been my everyday shoe. Not something new. For the past months, I was thrown into a boxing ring and was punched by family problems, toxic relationships, depression, and anxiety. They kept on coming to the point that I no longer knew what to do or which path should I take.

Where did I go wrong? I asked myself numerous times. What in the universe did I do that had befallen my life? One thing I know, I was living my dreams and going after one goal and another. All this time, I’ve been running non-stop inside the tunnel, hoping to see a light at the end of it. But all of a sudden, I stop. Now I’m inside in the middle of nowhere.

Just complete darkness.

For the past years, I’ve been pretending. Pretending that I’m doing just fine. Pretending that there’s no wrong with me. Pretending that I’m happy.

After being badly beaten inside the boxing ring, I realized that I was tired. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of myself being in constant defeat every single damn day. I’m tired of putting myself to sleep after crying for hours. I’m tired of lying to my friends and telling them that I’m okay. I’m tired of putting on that smile even though I’m badly broken inside. I’m just tired.

The anxiety of tomorrow hunted me down to sleep. People told me that something changed. I know what they mean. I no longer share my stories. I distance myself from the people around me. I canceled plans. I ditched my goals. I stopped caring for myself.

I made myself believe that I was done with my lifelong battle with depression. I guess not. I was emotionally distraught by what I had done to myself. I just wanted to feel alive by telling people that I was okay and by showing that smile to my friends. Because deep inside, I’m already a corpse.

Where can I see the light? My emptiness asked. That was my wake-up call to get my shit together. I reached out to my subconscious mind and tapped into the energy of my higher self.

And here I am, with this urge to write in celebration of new beginnings after all the tremendous happenings in my life for the past months. I want to celebrate the fact that I’m standing on my ground still strong enough to live the life that I deserve.

Life is unfair, indeed. And I don’t know any spells that I can cast to have a good life. But, what I know is that I can start all over again. I decided to accept the way I am now and embrace my mental illness because there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

I can also knock down some damn walls along the way.

So, where do I begin?

I’ll gladly be taking another step forward, and that’s where my new beginnings will unfold.